Tuesday, January 3, 2006

A fatter, lazier, less productive me in 2006

I think the best way to be both masochisticly hard on one’s self whist simultaneously accessing the past year is to judge your success and worth based on the number of New Year’s resolutions you write.

Last year I think I had about six, this year the list was looming near 15 when I got too tired and gave up. 2005 was a big year, when I die and they do a “greatest hits” montage of my life, it will surely include many scenes from the past year. I also effed up in a lot of ways and after my year of “finding” myself, ended up more lost than I have ever been. Thus the long list of resolutions.

So now its three days into 2006 and I have already broken a few on the laundry list of resolutions- which makes me want to break another one- being more positive.

Perhaps in 2006 I should not expect so much of myself, but instead resign to the flawed person that I am, inevitability leading me to be happier and expect less out of life, thus fulfilling at least one of my resolutions.

The only problem with this is that it feels really good to accomplish things on a list. So instead of my actual resolutions, which would make me a better person and be challenging to accomplish, I have written the opposite list, the list of anti-resolutions. This way when 2006 ends I can not feel bad about myself. If I accomplish things on the real list- good for me- I am now a better person. If I don’t, I can refer to the list below and still feel like I accomplished something.

Kathleen Erin Davis’ list of anti-resolutions for 2006

1) To become much lazier and waste most if not all of my waking hours both at work and home.

Keys to success include: Internet sites such as MySpace, pointless online quizzes, reality television programs, bad art projects involving a lot of glue and tape, nonintellectual magazines and novels, reruns of 80’s sitcoms, red wine, procrastination.

2) To not progress in my career.

Keys to success include: Staying at the job that I am in and taking no steps to learn anything, forgetting any grammatical rules that I currently know, perfecting my mis-spelling ability, not proof reading anything, not freelancing, not networking, and not reading the news.

3) To eat more junk food, drink more and exercise less.

Keys to success include: Tater Tots, Ben and Jerry’s, the microwave, rationalizing eating out, the liquor store on 5th Ave, my bed, cable.

4) To not save any money.

Keys to success include: Online shopping, my desire for both an ipod and travel, my burning need to eat, drink and be merry, living in New York City.

5) To maintain destructive thought and relationship patterns and actions.

Keys to success include: The liquor store on 5th Ave, the informal medium of email and instant messenger.

To be more selfish and less patient Keys to sucess include: my current sparkling personality.

See, doesn’t that feel good to just read? Six resolutions that I can quite simply accomplish that cover every aspect of my life, I might otherwise try to improve. This year is a success already!