Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Worst wrong number call ever

Rudest lady ever (RLE): hi I'm calling from some kind of mumbled disability firm

me: ok how can I help you

RLE: I need to get some information about Kathleen Davis

Me: ok, that's me, what do you need to know?

RLE: That’s you!?!

Me: yep

RLE: Well the Kathleen Davis I am calling about is deceased

Me: Well, then it’s not me, but I am the only Kathleen Davis that works for this company, Are you calling the right company?

RLE: I don’t know, the address is blah blah. I don’t know the company name, but this is the number I was given

Me: well that is not our company’s address, so…

She hangs up.

5 minutes later she calls back.

RLE: It’s blah blah from some mumbled place again.

Me: Hi

RLE: I called three people and they all transferred me to you- again!

Me: Well I am the only Kathleen Davis that works here

RLE: Yeah, she doesn’t work there anymore- she’s dead.

Me: Well I don’t know when she died, but our company has never been at the address you gave and I don’t know of any Kathleen Davis’ working here before me. You don’t know what company you are looking for?

RLE: No, I just need information about Kathleen Davis!!!

Me: I don’t know how I can help you- I am the only Kathleen Davis I know, and I’m not dead.

She hangs up again.

Once again my being alive has ruined someone’s day.

Monday, February 13, 2006

You know where to send the check

There is a lot of snow in New York right now. Growing up in West Michigan it doesn’t seem like quite as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be. I remember one year when we got this much snow in early October when all of the leaves where still on the trees (and I had to walk 2 miles to school up hill both ways).

But this “blizzard of ‘06” has gotten people quite worked up. What would we do without all the cheesy graphics and constant updates? There is a lot of snow, so what. Penguins and polar bears deal with much worse and look at how happy they are.

Being the sad and bitter person that I am however I have tallied all the things that are owed to me personally due to the 26 inch snow fall.

1. Offence: Friends not showing up for my party Saturday night because it had started to snow. Damage: cost of food ($50), time spent preparing food and apartment (approximately six hours), severely bruised self-esteem (priceless).

2. Offence: Book club meeting canceled without my knowledge as they only had my work email address. Damage: Cold and wet feet from walking 20 blocks to the bar where book club was supposed to meet only to find it canceled, time spent commuting back and forth to said non-existent book club meeting (2 hours), having to read all 500 pages of self important crap in the assigned book; A Million Little Pieces, yet never actually discussing it (cost of the book: $12, time spent reading it: approximately 12 hours)

3. Offence: Roommate’s cats hiding and possibly eating or pawning my watch due to the extreme emotional stress of being trapped alone with me and without their owner because she flew to Miami for the weekend with her boyfriend and her return flight got cancelled. Damage: my watch ($50), being late to work this morning because I was looking for my watch.

4. Offence: Hearing everyone talk about the weather endlessly for the next week Damage: Listening to everyone talk about the weather endlessly for the next week, annoyance at hearing the phrase “Blizzard of ‘06” and seeing pictures everywhere of cars with a lot of snow on them.

5. Offence: Becoming one of those people who talks about the weather. Damage: increased self loathing.

Total cost in dollars: $112

Total cost in time: 20.25 hours (at a rate of $26/hour = $526.50)

Total cost in irreparable emotional damage (translated into a dollar amount for calculation purposes): $475

Overall amount owed to me personally: $1,113.50

I’ll be watching the mail for the check..

Monday, February 6, 2006

New life goal

I have a new goal in my career and life- a new way that I plan to measure my success or failure on my death bed:

I would like my name to be used as an adjective to describe a type of idea (it doesn't really matter what type so long as it catches on). You know what I mean, like how when people say that something is really surreal and futuristic they say that it is "Orwellian" (As in George Orwell). Well maybe when people say something is really great they could say its "Davisian".

Try to use it in a sentence today: "Carmel Resses Cups are a real Davisian idea, I wish I would have thought of them!"

It will catch on, just like "live your life" did...just watch..