Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Not so thankful, Thanks..


Since I haven’t had a “traditional” Thanksgiving in about four years, I see no reason to hold up the heartwarming yet painful tradition of listing all of the things I am thankful for.

(Besides the list would be boring and go something like many people’s: family, boyfriend, friends, health, not being in debt- yet)

So instead I have decided to make an uncomprehensive list of all of the things that I am not thankful for.

Awesome K's list of things she is un-thankful for

1. “Liberal” white middle class people who think it’s hip to dress up as a caricature of a social stereotype

If I have to grin and bear the “cleverness” of another person dressing up like “white trash”, or a “pimp/ho” with no clue about the implications of how racist or demeaning it is, I’m going to hold a “clueless hipster” party and come dressed up like a stereotype of them.

2. Corporate speak

Words/phrases that I could very happily live the rest of my life without ever hearing again: “synergies,” “leveraging,” “managing expectations,” “branding,” “consultant”

3. That Mac guy in the Apple/PC ads

An advertising campaign with the opposite effect: way to make it look like your computers are only for annoying hipsters. As Jon Stewart said, “is it bad that those commercials make me want to buy a PC?”

4. People who do the following things:

Talk about celebrities like they know them, tell you to smile (or even worse, “turn a frown upside down”), insist on making small talk about the weather in the elevator, act jerky on the subway, when driving, or when walking down the street, brag about their money, think that New York is the center of the universe, say “keeping it real”, call tank tops “wife beaters”,

5. The combining and shortening of celebrity names

It’s not cute, and it’s far from clever, in fact it’s the kind of thing that makes sane people throw up a little every time they witness it. Examples include: TomKat, Benifer, Bradgelina, and K-Fed….eeewww….

6. Borat

I’m sure I would laugh at the movie, but I refuse to see it. If the ridiculous level of over-hyped-ness wasn’t enough than the fact that it is basically a 20 minute mildly amusing television show stretched to the 90 minutes that you have to pay $10 and leave your house for, should be.

7. Those stupid hands free cell phone ear things

When the first hands free cell phone technology was introduced several years ago, it was annoying because you could no longer tell who the crazies were, as it appeared that everyone was carrying on very lively conversations with themselves. Now with those stupid blinking clip on ear things that people wear all the time, even when they aren’t on the phone, you can tell who the douche bags are and avoid them accordingly. Still, it doesn’t make them any less stupid.

8. The Blackberry

No it’s not envy that my company doesn’t deem me important enough to have one because I am a temp, yet still sometimes expects me to answer calls and emails when I am not at work. It’s the annoyance of both having to share the sidewalks with people attempting to reply to emails whilst walking down a crowded street, and trying to decode emails that look like this:
Katlern,

pease aend thre eited aricles ot me tanks


9. People who are more successful than me

Ok, granted some of them may be older or more talented than me, but still I think we can all agree that my great talents are currently grossly overlooked.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Awesome K's own double entry


New York City’s feeble attempt to balance the books…

For anyone paying attention to my life the past year in our planet’s capital, you will have noticed that the city owns me quite a lot.

In the past two weeks I have started finding money lying on the various sidewalks near my apartment, it appears that the city is finaly paying me back, be it ever so slowly.

Below you will find the detailed documentation of where how much I am owed:

Owed
Amount Date Offence
$1,113.50 Feb 06 Blizzard of ’06 damages (mostly emotional damages)
$1,128.93 Jan 06 Hospital charges for debacle (emotional damages exceed calculation)
$ 400.00 May 06 Hit by a car (ruined clothing, emotional damage, lost day of work)
$ 90.00 July 06 Stolen bike
$ 50.00 Sept 06 Bike tire on new bike stolen
Total owed: $2782.43

Paid
Balance carried over: $127 (found on the street during a visit to the city December 2003)
Amount Date Explanation
$ .25 Oct 06 found on doorstep
$ 1.00 Oct 06 found on sidewalk
$ 7.00 Oct 06 found on sidewalk
Total paid: $135.25

Helping out my fellow man

I am all about helping my fellow humans, truly I am a do-gooder by nature. The feeling of seeing a young child’s face light up when you help them overcome a problem is unmatched in its warm fuzziness.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that sometimes you can get that same rush of well being from screwing someone over.

Last night I was dragging the old lady shopping cart (popular with countless urban dwellers residing more than four blocks from a major grocery store). I was enjoying the leisurely stroll when I was nearly knocked over by a guy zipping past me on his bike on the sidewalk. (Please note that it is illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk in New York City, as the sidewalks are normally crowded with people, you know, walking). JerkWad then proceeded to hop off his bicycle and park it in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk, a mere feet away from a perfectly suitable bike rack.

I am the sort of person that usually has mildly vengeful thoughts, but never acts on them. So when I saw him do this, my thought was “Wouldn’t it be funny if I just kicked his bike over as I walked by?” Just as quickly, though I thought, “Yeah, but I could never do that..”

Sometimes though there are forces greater than our mere human will. As I walked by his bicycle (taking up 85% of the busy sidewalk) the wheel of my old lady cart caught his tire and knocked his bike to the cold hard cement of truth and righteousness.

I stood there for a second in the serendipity of the moment, deciding if I should sent my cart aside and attempt to pick his bike up (the do-gooder in me still wanting to shine through). I wasn’t allowed much of a chance however, because as soon as he heard his bike crash to the ground he came running: “What the F**K’s your problem!?! Why don’t you watch where you are F** KING going!?!”

It was at this moment that the much pursued feeling of light and warmth took over my body and I smiled and walked away leaving him to scramble to pick up his own bike, calling over my shoulder, “Maybe next time you won’t park your bike in the middle of the sidewalk.”

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

Brother can you spare a twenty?


I feel like a bad person sometimes, ok I feel like a bad person about 50% of the time, I think it’s some sort of deep religious guilt thing, but without the religion. I feel guilty almost every time I don’t give money to a panhandler, it a mixed guilt because on one hand I think how in a series of just a few unfortunate events I could be in their place and on the other hand giving money to every panhandler would leave me penniless myself.

What normally relieves the guilt is that you never have to see them again. Their destitute is not constantly shoved in your face, its new fresh destitute each time, and therefore easier to ignore. Except when one of the cities millions of disenchanted keeps the same subway schedule as you.

I don’t know his name, but I know his method: one car per stop on the R train in Brooklyn, one sweep of the car waving his hand mildly obnoxiously, repeatedly mumbling “spare change for something to eat?”

I’ve never given him money, but I have always told myself that if I had a little food on me (something not chocolate based of course) I would give that to him. You know, cut out the middle man.

Now I am not so sure, he might throw it back in my face.

Saturday he was there again, making his weekend rounds, waving the hand full of change. He paused in front of me. Perhaps for a confrontation? I imagined:

Homeless Man: Seriously? It’s been almost a year and still you got nothing?
Kate: I um, er, I…

Nope. He paused to take some of the change out of his hand and throw out the pennies. Please a penny?! He may be downtrodden, but he’s not that downtrodden.

Now I imagined a new confrontation:

HM: Spare some change for something to eat?
K: here is a sandwich
HM: What is that mayonnaise?! What do you take me for? I want cash money and nothing under a five, this is New York after all.

Sadly his little display of currency related snobbery has solidified my no money giving position for a bit longer, which is bad news for the rest of the city’s homeless, but good news for my non-catholic, catholic guilt.

And if somehow any of the city’s panhandlers that I will not be giving my sandwiches and pennies to happen to be reading this, please take your issues up with the man on the R train in Brooklyn, I think he has a few cents to spare.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Holla Back Girl

Getting catcalled is not a matter of attractiveness, it’s a numbers game. Especially in a city of 8 million, the average woman is bound to get “hollared” at sooner or later.

It becomes then a matter of points for creativity rather than existence or frequency.

I haven’t been the recipient of many catcalls since my tenure at the world’s capital began, but two of my all time favorites included:

“Hey, girl can I send you a text message?”

and

“Hey Cracker! (yelled at someone across the street as I walked in front of them) …oooh, not you- sorry about that!”

This morning however I got the old school traditional woo-woo whistle from the construction workers next to my apartment. And some said they had cleaned up their acts..
So as much as my fellow directors of the vagina monologues would hate me for saying it, at 8am, such a good morning greeting, while totally crass, can be as uplifting as the stale office coffee (it’s not what you want, but it will give you a little boost for a few minutes)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Marriage IS Gay..I think


The idea of subjecting the world to your terrible sense of humor by displaying it on your T-shirt is certainly not a new one.


However this weekend the streets and subways seemed to have exploded with them. Below, a list of the shirts that I saw this weekend:


* “Define Girlfriend”: I’m guessing this means that the charming chap wearing it is in a relationship, and is not only open to pretending that he isn’t given the right temptation, but that he is brazen enough to wear his intentions on his sleeve, or rather his chest. I just wonder if he wears it when out with this girlfriend that he doesn’t want to define.


Ray mentioned that he had been seeing this one a lot and I naively assumed that it must be a Florida thing. Surely the enlightened, mature residents of the “world’s capital” would not be so douche-baggy…totally…


* “If he’s Rich, I’m his Bitch”: Ah, ladies don’t think you have been left out in the disgraceful t-shirt market. Yes this lovely, yet assuredly ill-fitting shirt has the power to at the same time make you look like the crude floozy that the “rich boy” you are after would definitely be interested in, and set back the women’s movement another 30 years. And who said words didn’t have power?


* “Maybe he’s born with it…”: With what exactly I think the jury is still out on. The slight comic twist to this one was that it was worn by a pasty, gawky dungeon and dragon enthusiast. So either he was wearing it for sheer ironic purposes (I hear the irony is big with the kids these days) or he was referring to his brain..yeah, his brain…

* “Marriage is Gay”: At first I gave this guy the same look I give to men when I see them oggolying women in the street because the insult of calling something you don’t like “gay” reminds me too much of the boys in middle school that I hated. But then as I contemplated the shirt a bit more I thought that perhaps it was a brilliant political statement, as in Marriage is FOR gays too. So I changed my scowl to a knowing nod, thusly securing my standing as neighborhood crazy lady.

Monday, July 31, 2006

One slighty used bike lock for sale..


I have long believed that I own nothing worth stealing. It’s why I never locked my car- I figured any one desperate enough to want to steal either a beat up1988 Plymouth Reliant or a equally beat up 1995 Ford Escort was in a worse position than I was for having to own them in the first place.

The same could be said for my slightly rusted six-year-old Kmart Huffy bicycle. It has saw me though 10 miles a day for a summer on Mackinac Island, all 36 miles of the Kal-Haven trail, the collegiate streets of Ann Arbor and the mean streets of Brooklyn where it survived being hit by a car, and where it was late Friday night stolen from outside my apartment. Someone was in fact desperate enough to want my bike, enough in fact to pass up many the thousands of other bikes in Brooklyn and cut the lock on the little purple bike that could..

I’m annoyed of course, mostly because I now have to buy a new bike and because of the quick reprimand from my roommate that I should have kept it in the basement (yes clearly, by locking my bike outside I was inviting thievery).

The most amusing thing that came from this was my mom’s optimistic reaction: “Maybe they will realize it wasn’t worth it and they will return it!”

I can only hope that the undesirable ness of my belongings will be my saving grace and for the first time in the history of the world a stealer will take pity on a steal-ee and return to the scene of the crime to give them back the goods that are rightfully theirs. I think I’ll put a new bike lock on the gate just in case..


Ps. If you live in the 5 boroughs, keep your eyes peeled for a purple women’s huffy with a 2001 Mackinac Island license sticker…I’m fixin’ to give them a talking to..

Friday, July 28, 2006

No need to thank me Hollywood

A fun new game, feel free to join:
Take the names of two existing films and make up a pitch for a whole new super film.


The Color Purple Rain

Prince stars as Celie, a poor struggling black Minnesota musician in the early 1900s.
Celie is forced to marry Morris Day and lead his band The Time. Celie is made to feel she is unworthy of love and respect and certainly unworthy of leading her own band, even one as sucky as The New Power Generation. Celie eventually forms close relationship with Morris Day's ex-lover Shug. And Oprah Winfrey turns up playing some kind of giant monster. They go on to form The Revolution together and then ride off on sweet purple motorbikes...

Ferris Bueller's Day Of The Dead

A delightful sequel to the feel good hit of the eighties. Once again
Ferris skips school in shemer Illinois and decides to spend the day in
Chicago with his best buds. Things come to a head during the climactic song
and dance scene. During Ferris' rendition of the Beatles version of twist
and shout he is set upon by those dancing zombies from the Thriller video.
The audience are treated to the sight of the smug little twat being torn
limb from vest from guts for the next 45 minutes. Until the Zombies eat his
horrible little head.


Meet the Godfather

Ben Stiller and Al Pacino star in the romantic comedy about a goofy monkey
faced lad meeting his freakishly attractive and perfect girlfriend's
parents. Only to find out that he father is a mob king pin who plans to
have him killed for the slap stick Jim Carrey like descent he has taken into
the depths of unfunnyness.


The Break-Fight Club

Pre millennial angst brutally collides with eighties smaltz in the
Break-Fight Club, the Saturday detention where the first rule of
Break-Fight Club is that you don't eat all the God-damn bacon.

The second rule is something about never admitting to your friends that you
found Molly Ringwold attractive. I haven't thought that far ahead.

Starring Judd Nelson as Bender Durden, the harshest guy in town and Ed
Norton as his lame whiney insomniac alter ego.


Killer Clowns from Office Space

Aliens who look like clowns come from outer space and terrorize a corporate office building. Reaping havoc on staplers, copy, and fax machines. Will the frustrated office workers save their TS3 reports or join the killer clown aliens?

Land Of The Drop Dead Fred

Latin flavor and English "charm" join forces as John Leguizamo and Richard Mayall star as imaginary zombie twins in this fun for the whole family salute to nightmares. A sweet yet hopelessly flawed young woman finds herself failing at everything she tries, so she escapes to the Land of the Drop Dead Fred where she can finally be free to eat as many brains as she wants, but can she really find freedom in escaping the demons inside?


*it must be noted that I am not nearly clever enough to come up with all of these on my own..

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Worse than working in a cubicle


I'm ashamed to say that I get a good portion of my daily news comes from a little thing called "captive network" . Which is basically a little TV in the elevator that trys to sell me things and tells me the news and weather on my way to and from the 31st floor in my office building.

Today it told me about bars in China where you can pay to relieve stress by punching someone who won't hit you back, kind of like a half-assed fight club.

Whenever I think my job is bad, I am going to think about that poor Chinese woman going to work every day and getting punched by stressed out office workers.

Monday, May 8, 2006

I'm everywhere you want to be.....or something.

Thai food delivered: $12
Wine: $10
Underwear: $20
Donnie Darko from Netflix: $10/month unlimited
Having the apartment to myself because roommate got a boyfriend: priceless*

* I didn’t pay for all of these things on my MasterCard, mostly because I don’t in fact have a MasterCard, but still do you think they would use it?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Do you have a little irish in you? Would you like some?


Like any good natured person with an inclination to drink and a hereditary past of alcoholism, I enjoy St. Patrick’s Day.


So does New York City, and all the overly green clad peeps therein. I don’t mind their drunken staggering at all, and green is one of the best colors so seeing loads of green clad people just makes me feel like the whole city decided to dress up for me. Cheers, New York.


And Guinness. Guinness is great. That’s right I am a tiny girl who loves a thick near black beer preferred mainly by haggard old potato farmers and soccer fans.


Yep, this is a great holiday to be sure, any holiday centered about drinking as early and often as possible, wearing a lot of one particular color, and acting like a jerk is great. Other examples: Maris Grais, and the Queen’s Birthday in Amsterdam. Both brilliant.


Here is my problem with this joyous day.

Why do people pretend to be Irish? How is that socially acceptable? On Kwanza people don’t run around pretending to African. On Yon Kipper people don’t say “kiss me I’m a Jew!” Also, suddenly every bar in the city is an Irish Pub- really? Just because you serve Guinness, doesn’t change the fact that Bud Light is on tap right next to it…

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Worst wrong number call ever

Rudest lady ever (RLE): hi I'm calling from some kind of mumbled disability firm

me: ok how can I help you

RLE: I need to get some information about Kathleen Davis

Me: ok, that's me, what do you need to know?

RLE: That’s you!?!

Me: yep

RLE: Well the Kathleen Davis I am calling about is deceased

Me: Well, then it’s not me, but I am the only Kathleen Davis that works for this company, Are you calling the right company?

RLE: I don’t know, the address is blah blah. I don’t know the company name, but this is the number I was given

Me: well that is not our company’s address, so…

She hangs up.

5 minutes later she calls back.

RLE: It’s blah blah from some mumbled place again.

Me: Hi

RLE: I called three people and they all transferred me to you- again!

Me: Well I am the only Kathleen Davis that works here

RLE: Yeah, she doesn’t work there anymore- she’s dead.

Me: Well I don’t know when she died, but our company has never been at the address you gave and I don’t know of any Kathleen Davis’ working here before me. You don’t know what company you are looking for?

RLE: No, I just need information about Kathleen Davis!!!

Me: I don’t know how I can help you- I am the only Kathleen Davis I know, and I’m not dead.

She hangs up again.

Once again my being alive has ruined someone’s day.

Monday, February 13, 2006

You know where to send the check

There is a lot of snow in New York right now. Growing up in West Michigan it doesn’t seem like quite as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be. I remember one year when we got this much snow in early October when all of the leaves where still on the trees (and I had to walk 2 miles to school up hill both ways).

But this “blizzard of ‘06” has gotten people quite worked up. What would we do without all the cheesy graphics and constant updates? There is a lot of snow, so what. Penguins and polar bears deal with much worse and look at how happy they are.

Being the sad and bitter person that I am however I have tallied all the things that are owed to me personally due to the 26 inch snow fall.


1. Offence: Friends not showing up for my party Saturday night because it had started to snow. Damage: cost of food ($50), time spent preparing food and apartment (approximately six hours), severely bruised self-esteem (priceless).

2. Offence: Book club meeting canceled without my knowledge as they only had my work email address. Damage: Cold and wet feet from walking 20 blocks to the bar where book club was supposed to meet only to find it canceled, time spent commuting back and forth to said non-existent book club meeting (2 hours), having to read all 500 pages of self important crap in the assigned book; A Million Little Pieces, yet never actually discussing it (cost of the book: $12, time spent reading it: approximately 12 hours)

3. Offence: Roommate’s cats hiding and possibly eating or pawning my watch due to the extreme emotional stress of being trapped alone with me and without their owner because she flew to Miami for the weekend with her boyfriend and her return flight got cancelled. Damage: my watch ($50), being late to work this morning because I was looking for my watch.

4. Offence: Hearing everyone talk about the weather endlessly for the next week Damage: Listening to everyone talk about the weather endlessly for the next week, annoyance at hearing the phrase “Blizzard of ‘06” and seeing pictures everywhere of cars with a lot of snow on them.

5. Offence: Becoming one of those people who talks about the weather. Damage: increased self loathing.

Total cost in dollars: $112

Total cost in time: 20.25 hours (at a rate of $26/hour = $526.50)

Total cost in irreparable emotional damage (translated into a dollar amount for calculation purposes): $475

Overall amount owed to me personally: $1,113.50



I’ll be watching the mail for the check..

Monday, February 6, 2006

New life goal

I have a new goal in my career and life- a new way that I plan to measure my success or failure on my death bed:

I would like my name to be used as an adjective to describe a type of idea (it doesn't really matter what type so long as it catches on). You know what I mean, like how when people say that something is really surreal and futuristic they say that it is "Orwellian" (As in George Orwell). Well maybe when people say something is really great they could say its "Davisian".

Try to use it in a sentence today: "Carmel Resses Cups are a real Davisian idea, I wish I would have thought of them!"

It will catch on, just like "live your life" did...just watch..

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

A fatter, lazier, less productive me in 2006



I think the best way to be both masochisticly hard on one’s self whist simultaneously accessing the past year is to judge your success and worth based on the number of New Year’s resolutions you write.

Last year I think I had about six, this year the list was looming near 15 when I got too tired and gave up. 2005 was a big year, when I die and they do a “greatest hits” montage of my life, it will surely include many scenes from the past year. I also effed up in a lot of ways and after my year of “finding” myself, ended up more lost than I have ever been. Thus the long list of resolutions.

So now its three days into 2006 and I have already broken a few on the laundry list of resolutions- which makes me want to break another one- being more positive.

Perhaps in 2006 I should not expect so much of myself, but instead resign to the flawed person that I am, inevitability leading me to be happier and expect less out of life, thus fulfilling at least one of my resolutions.

The only problem with this is that it feels really good to accomplish things on a list. So instead of my actual resolutions, which would make me a better person and be challenging to accomplish, I have written the opposite list, the list of anti-resolutions. This way when 2006 ends I can not feel bad about myself. If I accomplish things on the real list- good for me- I am now a better person. If I don’t, I can refer to the list below and still feel like I accomplished something.


Kathleen Erin Davis’ list of anti-resolutions for 2006


1) To become much lazier and waste most if not all of my waking hours both at work and home.

Keys to success include: Internet sites such as MySpace, pointless online quizzes, reality television programs, bad art projects involving a lot of glue and tape, nonintellectual magazines and novels, reruns of 80’s sitcoms, red wine, procrastination.


2) To not progress in my career.

Keys to success include: Staying at the job that I am in and taking no steps to learn anything, forgetting any grammatical rules that I currently know, perfecting my mis-spelling ability, not proof reading anything, not freelancing, not networking, and not reading the news.

3) To eat more junk food, drink more and exercise less.

Keys to success include: Tater Tots, Ben and Jerry’s, the microwave, rationalizing eating out, the liquor store on 5th Ave, my bed, cable.


4) To not save any money.

Keys to success include: Online shopping, my desire for both an ipod and travel, my burning need to eat, drink and be merry, living in New York City.

5) To maintain destructive thought and relationship patterns and actions.

Keys to success include: The liquor store on 5th Ave, the informal medium of email and instant messenger.


To be more selfish and less patient Keys to sucess include: my current sparkling personality.

See, doesn’t that feel good to just read? Six resolutions that I can quite simply accomplish that cover every aspect of my life, I might otherwise try to improve. This year is a success already!