One slighty used bike lock for sale..

I have long believed that I own nothing worth stealing. It’s why I never locked my car- I figured any one desperate enough to want to steal either a beat up1988 Plymouth Reliant or a equally beat up 1995 Ford Escort was in a worse position than I was for having to own them in the first place.

The same could be said for my slightly rusted six-year-old Kmart Huffy bicycle. It has saw me though 10 miles a day for a summer on Mackinac Island, all 36 miles of the Kal-Haven trail, the collegiate streets of Ann Arbor and the mean streets of Brooklyn where it survived being hit by a car, and where it was late Friday night stolen from outside my apartment. Someone was in fact desperate enough to want my bike, enough in fact to pass up many the thousands of other bikes in Brooklyn and cut the lock on the little purple bike that could..

I’m annoyed of course, mostly because I now have to buy a new bike and because of the quick reprimand from my roommate that I should have kept it in the basement (yes clearly, by locking my bike outside I was inviting thievery).

The most amusing thing that came from this was my mom’s optimistic reaction: “Maybe they will realize it wasn’t worth it and they will return it!”

I can only hope that the undesirable ness of my belongings will be my saving grace and for the first time in the history of the world a stealer will take pity on a steal-ee and return to the scene of the crime to give them back the goods that are rightfully theirs. I think I’ll put a new bike lock on the gate just in case..


Ps. If you live in the 5 boroughs, keep your eyes peeled for a purple women’s huffy with a 2001 Mackinac Island license sticker…I’m fixin’ to give them a talking to..

No need to thank me Hollywood

A fun new game, feel free to join:
Take the names of two existing films and make up a pitch for a whole new super film.


The Color Purple Rain

Prince stars as Celie, a poor struggling black Minnesota musician in the early 1900s.
Celie is forced to marry Morris Day and lead his band The Time. Celie is made to feel she is unworthy of love and respect and certainly unworthy of leading her own band, even one as sucky as The New Power Generation. Celie eventually forms close relationship with Morris Day's ex-lover Shug. And Oprah Winfrey turns up playing some kind of giant monster. They go on to form The Revolution together and then ride off on sweet purple motorbikes...

Ferris Bueller's Day Of The Dead

A delightful sequel to the feel good hit of the eighties. Once again
Ferris skips school in shemer Illinois and decides to spend the day in
Chicago with his best buds. Things come to a head during the climactic song
and dance scene. During Ferris' rendition of the Beatles version of twist
and shout he is set upon by those dancing zombies from the Thriller video.
The audience are treated to the sight of the smug little twat being torn
limb from vest from guts for the next 45 minutes. Until the Zombies eat his
horrible little head.


Meet the Godfather

Ben Stiller and Al Pacino star in the romantic comedy about a goofy monkey
faced lad meeting his freakishly attractive and perfect girlfriend's
parents. Only to find out that he father is a mob king pin who plans to
have him killed for the slap stick Jim Carrey like descent he has taken into
the depths of unfunnyness.


The Break-Fight Club

Pre millennial angst brutally collides with eighties smaltz in the
Break-Fight Club, the Saturday detention where the first rule of
Break-Fight Club is that you don't eat all the God-damn bacon.

The second rule is something about never admitting to your friends that you
found Molly Ringwold attractive. I haven't thought that far ahead.

Starring Judd Nelson as Bender Durden, the harshest guy in town and Ed
Norton as his lame whiney insomniac alter ego.


Killer Clowns from Office Space

Aliens who look like clowns come from outer space and terrorize a corporate office building. Reaping havoc on staplers, copy, and fax machines. Will the frustrated office workers save their TS3 reports or join the killer clown aliens?

Land Of The Drop Dead Fred

Latin flavor and English "charm" join forces as John Leguizamo and Richard Mayall star as imaginary zombie twins in this fun for the whole family salute to nightmares. A sweet yet hopelessly flawed young woman finds herself failing at everything she tries, so she escapes to the Land of the Drop Dead Fred where she can finally be free to eat as many brains as she wants, but can she really find freedom in escaping the demons inside?


*it must be noted that I am not nearly clever enough to come up with all of these on my own..